


less than half myself

by lxonardo



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Affection, Angst, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Childhood Trauma, Comfort, Dissociation, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Gentle Kissing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kissing, LMFAOOO PLS, Love, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Recovery, Romantic Fluff, Title from a Sleeping At Last Song, True Love, obsessed w this tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29368209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lxonardo/pseuds/lxonardo
Summary: "You know you don’thaveto figure this out alone, right? We can do it together, so pl—”“But I reallydon’tknow. I don’t want to burden you—” Gon trembled, grabbing the slide door to keep himself steady. He shut his eyes tightly, suddenly his eyes growing heavy with tears building up. “I don’t know why I’m feeling like this all of a sudden.”Within a split second, Killua rushed to his side, gentle arms embracing him in a hug. Gon was shaking, and he circled his arms back around his waist, resting his temple on his shoulder. His gut was telling him toget awayandyou’ll be hurt again, and it was growing louder. But Gon chose to ignore it, because he was safe and Killua wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. Killua was, if anything, a safe haven to him; it made no sense that he would subconsciously fear him, especially when he’s been with him for so long.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 12
Kudos: 60





	less than half myself

**Author's Note:**

> this is kind of parallels to [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27983022) story, but you don’t have to read that to understand this !!!  
> cw: references to grooming/csa (child sexual abuse), dissociation, vague chimera ant arc spoilers, and a brief moment of unintentional self harm! (starts @ “earlier when you kissed me...”) so stay safe ily all
> 
> also tysm to [sleeves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stripedsleeves/pseuds/stripedsleeves) fr beta reading this!!! mwah ily <33

Gon Freecss was always affectionate and blunt. Learning off from the kind, motherly touches of his Aunt Mito, or the nurturing guidance of his grandmother Abe, Gon always tried using his hands for good.

With injured feral animals, he’d approach them with steady, careful hands, making sure to hold them securely as he cleaned and bandaged them. When he brought them food to eat, or an old pillow or blanket to sleep on. And when he would tenderly pat the healed animal on its head, before setting it free.

With his friends, he would casually interlock his fingers because it brought him comfort. Or resting his chin on someone’s shoulder as he listened in on someone telling a story of their latest adventure. Aims such as braiding Alluka’s hair, or dusting off the smallest lint off of Kurapika’s traditional robes, or straightening Leorio’s tie before going on a date with his partner—those all felt natural to Gon.

But his absolute favorite person he ever had the privilege to touch was none other than his boyfriend; Killua Zoldyck.

Similar to a wild animal, Killua didn’t react all too well the first time Gon ever intimated intimacy of any kind. He grew to understand that it would take time, and he would be patient with the pale teen. And he never once minded—he loved Killua too much to worry about his personal needs, and he always encouraged him to speak on his comfort level.

At first, Killua hardly ever initiated contact, always letting Gon do so. He eventually realized that it wasn’t that Killua _didn’t_ want physical contact, but he struggled asking for it when it came to Gon. Killua barely had any trouble being affectionate with Alluka, but she was special—she was his _sister_ , someone he's known longer than Gon. Witnessing that only more so proved his point; Killua enjoyed affection from loved ones.

Killua could barely comprehend that Gon even _reciprocated_ the same feelings, let alone think to ask to touch him. Everytime Gon would chastely kiss his cheeks, or forehead, or knuckles, Killua would blush brighter than a red hibiscus at the peak of summer. And everytime, Gon _loved_ that dumbfounded expression when he kissed him, almost always giving him follow up kisses. How could he help himself? Especially when he was dating the most amazing and beautiful person in the world. No—the _universe_.

Gon was more than ecstatic the first time Killua initiated hand holding. They were in public, with Alluka, and they were deciding on a place for lunch. He was pretty sure Killua was distracted, when he absentmindedly slipped a hand into his. Gon took everything in him to _not_ make it a big deal, to _not_ squeal in delight and pull Killua in for a bear-crushing hug. Killua definitely would have scolded at him, ripping his hand away in the process, and Gon wanted anything _but_ that.

So he kept his mouth shut, pursing his lips together to struggle a widening grin and ever so slightly squeezed his hand. Luckily, he spotted a restaurant ahead and redirected his energy towards that, excitedly pointing towards it, dragging a distraught Killua along.

Nowadays, at least half the time, Killua initiated kisses. They weren’t typically lip, but casual kisses like leaning down and pecking Gon’s head, or Killua’s favorite, his left cheek on a specific freckle that remained below his eye. Gon had teased him about that particular spot, since he couldn’t dream about having a _favorite_ place to kiss Killua. They were _all_ his favorite spots, from his fingertips, to his temple, his eyelids, lips—the list could go on.

But Gon swore he fell in love everytime Killua kissed him. It was mostly in private whenever Killua did this, which he’s always respected. Killua had always been a private person about expressing his feelings, especially romantic affection. His comfort mattered, and though sometimes Gon wished he could shout to the heavens his love for Killua, the younger one just wasn’t ready. But it was okay, because they had a lifetime ahead.

However, one day, Gon felt something he rarely ever felt anymore, not since before he confessed to Killua. He felt genuine fear, with a mixture of disgust and anger. The feeling was such a rarity that he was able to count the times he was fearful on one hand.

He was in their apartment, out on their small balcony where he was tending his small pots of flowers. Botany had always been one of Gon’s interests, as he always had a positive experience with farming and tending crops growing up on Whale Island. Even though he couldn’t grow a fully fledged garden while he traveled, he still settled for taking care of smaller plants and succulents. Making sure each crop got the right amount of water and sunlight, checking the soil levels, trimming away any dead leaves or weeds, harvesting anything that’s ripe—it all kept his hands and brain busy. He always enjoyed taking care of other living things, and those always seemed to enjoy being taken care of by him.

He’d also been wanting to adopt a stray animal, and didn’t matter which one. Perhaps, since his birthday would be coming up in a couple months, he could go out on his own and find one. Once he got back, he would justify his actions, whining _it’s my birthday, Killua!_ He automatically knew that his sisters would easily advocate for him, since they all shared a love for animals. It was a devious plan, but a plan that would work nonetheless. Killua could hardly say no to Gon or Alluka and Nanika—but to all _three_? He didn’t stand a chance. Gon smiled to himself at the thought, only being half-serious about the future plan.

At some point, he heard the sliding of the balcony door, another person joining him. His heart thumped inside, and a rush of warmth washed all over him.

“Hey.” Gon smiled widely, the sound of his boyfriend’s lulling voice filling his heart in honey.

“You’re still not done with your plants?”

Killua stood behind him, wrapping his arms around Gon’s waist and plopping his chin on his shoulder. Gon’s body immediately grew warm against Killua’s, and slightly leaned back into his touch.

“I came out here about five minutes ago,” Gon retorted with a snort, eyes focused on potted pink peonies, clipping away at excess leaves. “You miss me already, angel?”

Gon felt Killua stiffen at that, and he let out a giggle, eyes still undeterred. He didn’t need to look to see that Killua’s face was already bright red, even if he so badly wanted to.

“What? No!” Killua drawled, fiddling with his thumbs. “Why would I miss you? You’re literally, like, ten feet away. Don’t act like you’re that important, stupid. Maybe I just wanted some fresh air.”

“Aw, it’s okay, love,” Gon cooed teasingly. “I think it’s really cute that you’re clingy sometimes.”

“I’m not clingy,” he grumbled, burying his face into the crook of his neck.

Gon only hummed back, softly pressing a kiss onto Killua’s hair. The way Killua acted so much like a cat at times was almost uncanny to him; he might as well be dating one. His white hair tickled his nose at the brief contact, and it felt softer than a cloud. They remained like that for a few minutes, and eventually Gon switched to another plant, placing the clippers down and picking up a small, green watering can. It had a bunch of nature-based stickers on it, mainly frogs, suns, and lightning. He let Alluka decorate it one day when she was bored; it was during her phase where she collectively decorated everything with stickers, gems, and glitter. Gon occasionally joined in with her, and they did arts and craft every night for a week. They most definitely drove Killua crazy with the constant mess of glitter and glue on the floor and furniture.

It was a good, healthy outlet for his creativity, and he managed to craft up a large, green heart shaped pot where he could store his growing collections of natural artifacts Gon had collected throughout the years. Of course, he made a matching blue one for Killua, for his collection that Gon kept adding onto. He always enjoyed seeing his glance of gratitude whenever he gave him small things throughout his personal and their shared journeys.

And everytime he entered their shared room, he would always see the multicolored creation on Killua’s nightstand, filled to the top with seashells, rocks, twigs, and crystals. It made his heart a flutter every time

A gentle kiss was pressed against his jawline, breaking Gon from his memories. It was a type of kiss where it didn’t _demand_ his attention, but instead Killua wanted to acknowledge him; to be in his presence. Killua was slowly starting to understand why Gon randomly kissed and touched him throughout—because it was nice. They were versatile, sending all kinds of messages ranging from heartfelt emotions deep inside to the simplicity of being around one another. It communicated multiple things: greetings, condolences, declarations, things that weren't always meant to be said with words.

Killua continued to leave butterfly kisses along his jaw, and down his neck. Something in Gon’s mind shifted, and for a moment, a sharp jolt shot through his stomach, feeling a wave of nausea.

All of a sudden, he couldn’t feel the familiar touch of his longtime best friend and lover. Instead, he felt invasive hands rummaging across his body like they were searching for something. Sloppy, persistent lips kissing along his cheeks, his neck, his fingers, and occasionally, his lips. He didn’t like it at all. He needed out—he needed to get as far as possible from the intruders; to be safe and isolated, where no one and nothing could touch him.

The arms wrapped around him felt like a trap, deceitful in the false comfort they presented. He couldn’t see the hands he usually loved, but instead hands that gripped him subtly, harshly. These hands that were currently attached meant trouble; they were similar to the dainty, delicate hands that would embrace Gon in a hug after he’d shown a woman the features of Whale Island. Those hands would typically be used to deftly brush against areas of his body he _knew_ should be private.

He began to panic internally. It was like he was in clutches of another seemingly innocent young woman who actually would take advantage of him. He was going to experience that all over again, unless he could find a way out of this grasp.

“Gon?”

This voice sounded distant; too distorted for him to make any connections with it. He couldn’t focus, and his vision grew hazy. It was hard to tell if he was shaking or not, his senses out of place. The arms that held him finally released him, and for a moment, he felt safe again. Instead, a reluctant, pale hand reached for his own bronze one, softly tracing along his fingers.

“Gon?” The voice— _Killua_ —called again. “Hey, Gon? Are you okay? You’re freaking me out.”

Gon blinked for the first time, recalling where he currently was. His vision cleared up, and he turned back to Killua, whose previous contented look was replaced with concern. He frowned slightly at his dismay, but for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to give him the comfort he usually would. He felt too shaken up.

“K—Killua?”

Killua sighed softly, his hand still grazing ghostly against Gon’s. He squeezed him gently, which still left a funny feeling in Gon’s stomach.

“You...tensed up, when I kissed you,” he explained, hesitance lingering in his voice. “Did I…do something?”

Gon’s eyes immediately widened, and he almost dropped his watering can, frantically setting it on the tray next to his gardening tools. His senses were coming back to him as he became more alert. He grabbed both of his hands, ignoring every fiber of his being screaming at him not to.

“No, no, Killua! It wasn’t you. You didn’t do anything, I promise,” Gon brought his knuckles to his lips, kissing them lightly.

Killua blushed a rosy pink, but there was still a sorrowful glint in his eye. “Then, what was it?”

Gon didn’t answer immediately, only because it was something he had to really think about. Distorted flashbacks edged the back of his mind, ones that he hadn’t thought twice about. That previous queasy feeling rushed back, and he released Killua’s hands, bringing them close to his body as he clenched them into fists.

He was conflicted. He wasn’t sure _why_ old memories were suddenly coming up again. It’s been years since these thoughts even took place, the last time he recalled them was when he was at that one gym years ago with Killua. His best friend asked him if he had dating experiences, and he answered him honestly without giving it much thought.

But what he always knew is that those experiences he had with older women, he didn’t feel completely comfortable. Some of them had been too touchy, or overly inappropriate with expressing their lack of a love life, or even outright flirted with him. But Gon was young when he went through this, so he thought it was normal. Even until recently, he relatively still thought it was normal. It was normal that certain adults would make you feel uncomfortable, and that you shouldn’t promote boundaries in fear of disappointing anyone.

When he went on that date with Palm all those years ago, he was mainly going off on his previous experiences with his “dates”. He knew how to make women happy—when to be emotionally in touch, how to compliment an outfit or hairstyle, incorporating his vast knowledge of nature to impress. And that’s what he did with Palm, even when deep down inside, it made him feel sick. He only did it because he broke a promise, and needed to satisfy her needs to make up for his inabilities.

Gon even knew that Killua spied on their date, even when he had been without nen. He had grown so used to his presence, and with his supernatural abilities, he immediately could sense his best friend who lurked in crowded areas and the dense forest he took Palm in. Years later, he even confronted this, in a jokingly manner, a little while after they started dating. Killua was flabbergasted that he knew, but chose to not to comment about it. He claimed he only did it to protect him, and that there also _possibly another reason, maybe._ Gon poked fun by actually saying the other reason—that Killua had been jealous. Killua’s deafening silence was more than enough of an answer for him.

But now thinking back on that, Gon began to suspect there could have been yet another reason. He remembered that worried glint when Gon told Killua he was involved with women back in his island. It was almost impossible to catch, but he did, but he didn’t think much of it at the time.

Regardless, none of that should matter now. Gon was in a healthy relationship where his boundaries were respected—not that Killua ever tended to cross any. Usually, it was the other way around, not because the freckled teen wanted to deliberately make Killua uncomfortable, but because sometimes he had too much love to show, and that overwhelmed his boyfriend. Killua would always make it known whenever he needed his personal space, and Gon made sure to respect that.

The bottom line was that they both knew how to communicate, and they still learn new things about each other. That was the joy of dating his best friend, his soulmate, his lover; his Killua Zoldyck. And despite Killua’s horrid past of childhood trauma and torture, he came out of that with a heart of gold, capable of loving and being loved. And he would never, _ever_ purposefully hurt Gon.

So why did Gon feel nervous when Killua touched him?

“I’m… not sure?” Gon answered after giving thought. He wasn’t _lying_ per say, but he wasn’t telling the full truth, either. Gon wasn’t telling Killua his suspicions, not because he didn’t trust him, but because _he_ wasn’t even entirely sure how to feel about them.

And because Killua was just as perceptive as he was, his brows knitted at the subtle lie. He interlocked their fingers, pulling him closer as he pressed their foreheads together.

“Are you sure? You know you can tell me anything,” Killua murmured sadly. “I know I’m not the best when it comes to opening up, but I still want to be here for you. That’s also an important thing; to be there whenever one of us is feeling a certain way.”

Gon held his breath, the contact of Killua’s hands burning through his skin, in an unpleasant manner. He backed up involuntarily, his back bumping into the planters that hung from the balcony. They hardly moved at the impact, which he was grateful about. Cautiously, he retracted his hands back, rubbing against his palms like he was burnt.

“I know, Killua, and you’re right!” Gon said, his head feeling fuzzy. He walked past him, towards the door. Looking back, he felt a punch to his gut seeing the pale teen’s dejected face, his eyes glistening momentarily.

“I think...I think I need tea. We could talk about this later, though?” He shuffled his feet awkwardly, suddenly growing ansty. “I—I’m sorry, it’s just—”

“Y-Yeah,” Killua blurted out, clearing his throat. “I mean, yeah, sure, whenever you want. Just…you sure it’s not me? You would tell me if it was, right?”

Gon frowned, and for many reasons. He could only count a handful of times where Gon had been genuinely upset at him, and they’ve all been when they were younger, _before_ they reunited nearly a year ago. And even those times he was angry with him, Gon was always somewhat in the wrong, too. The root of his anger had a common factor: whenever Killua talked about or got himself hurt. Or worse, when he would go as far to sacrifice himself for the older teen.

And of course, they’ve always talked about those, screaming at each other that they were over their heads; that it was moronic to even suggest something like that. But they eventually realized it meant they cared about each other to the extent of their own lives. And the issue was that they needed to extend that same mindset for their own.

The shorter teen shook his head, a sad smile plastered on his face. “Of course I would. But it’s not you—at least, I think not _directly_.”

Killua relented with a sigh. “Okay. But you know you don’t _have_ to figure this out alone, right? We can do it together, so pl—”

“But I really _don’t_ know. I don’t want to burden you—” Gon trembled, grabbing the slide door to keep himself steady. He shut his eyes tightly, suddenly his eyes growing heavy with tears building up. “I don’t know why I’m feeling like this all of a sudden.”

Within a split second, Killua rushed to his side, gentle arms embracing him in a hug. Gon was shaking, and he circled his arms back around his waist, resting his temple on his shoulder. His gut was telling him to _get away_ and _you’ll be hurt again_ , and it was growing louder. But Gon chose to ignore it, because he was safe and Killua wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. Killua was, if anything, a safe haven to him; it made no sense that he would subconsciously fear him, especially when he’s been with him for so long.

It was as if he didn’t trust Killua. But the truth was, Killua was the person he trusted the _most_. And even if somehow, someway, he betrayed him for whatever reason, he _still_ would do so. The idea of Gon suddenly not doing so was unfathomable to him—he couldn’t do it.

Killua softly hushed him as he rubbed circles against his back, his finger pads lighter than air. Gon felt chills every time his fingers circled around him, but he remained still.

Tears finally broke from the corner of his eyes, trailing down his cheeks. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands and the pads, instead of using Killua’s shirt like he normally would.

“‘M sorry,” he croaked, rubbing his eyes aggressively. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, _I’m sorry_ …”

Soft, porcelain hands slid under his tanned hands, cupping his face. His vision had been blurred from the overflowing tears, but he didn’t need to know Killua’s face was heartbroken.

“Hey, shh, hey..” he whispered, gently wiping away tears with his thumbs. “You’re okay. I’m not mad, alright? I’m just worried about you.”

He then pressed a soft kiss against his temple, his cool lips ghosting against his skin. Gon focused on the soft touching, letting his mind wander off into the warmth and joy he always associated Killua with. He conjured up a mantra, _Killua is home_ ; _Killua is safe_ , subconsciously mouthing it to himself, luring his brain into security.

There was still a lurking feeling of uncertainty, one Gon couldn’t shake off. It was like boiling hot water, and the steam was trying to let loose.

“Mn.. _Ki_?” He sniffled, rubbing off the snot with his backhand, wiping that off his own shirt. “I think I want to make tea now..”

His voice was quiet, and he avoided Killua’s gaze. The taller one let go of his face, giving him the space as he only nodded.

“I can make you some,” he stated more than suggested. Gon shook his head at his offer, but Killua was already passing him, entering the apartment.

“ _Killua_ …”

“Let me at least do this for you. And if you’d want, we can order takeout for dinner instead.”

Gon followed him inside and into the kitchen, sighing softly. “No, I’d like to cook dinner. It helps keep me busy, and I always want to improve my skills each time I do so.”

Killua grabbed the kettle, filling it with tap water before furrowing his brows, but decided against arguing. Instead, he grabbed Gon’s sunshine patterned mug, setting it on the counter with a soft clank, porcelain touching marble.

“Fine,” he sighed, reaching towards the wall of the counter where they’ve kept tea bags. They were homemade, courtesy of Gon and both his tracking abilities and gardening. He grabbed a chamomile labeled packet, placing it inside the mug before double checking the burner.

“But we should talk about this. At least when you’re more...stable.”

Gon nodded, already having accepted the terms of not hiding his feelings. Killua was intelligent, more emotionally inclined than he let on; he could help make sense of his feelings and why they were occurring.

“Okay, I promise to talk about earlier,” he said, raising up his pinky with a small grin.

Killua immediately linked their pinkies, snarkily stating the conditions (and earning a pout from Gon) before he pressed a chaste kiss over his hairline. Gon’s grimace was instantly replaced with a thoughtful hum, pressing his temple closer to his lips. Another kiss was planted on top.

♡ ♡ ♡

It was past dinner, and Gon managed to cook some ramen with vegetables, adding tofu to his own dish. When he cooked, his mind was completely distracted, solely focusing on the individual tasks of preparation and execution.

And as always, Killua and Alluka thanked him for cooking their meals. Alluka typically overly praised him, idolizing him in a similar way she did with her brother. It always made Gon feel accepted, not that he necessarily _needed_ her approval, but it was still nice regardless to be appreciated by the one other person your partner loved wholeheartedly.

Gon laid on their shared bed while Killua showered. He was resting briefly, listening to the white noise of the running shower. At one point, he had gotten so close to falling asleep he hadn’t realized water stopped running, and soon enough, Killua came out the bathroom. Hearing the door open woke him up, feeling five times more aware than a second ago.

He sat up, immediately feeling the moist, warm air colliding with the lukewarm bedroom he was in. It was a feeling he liked, because now his boyfriend was cleaned up and ready for cuddles.

As Killua began changing, putting on the clothes he left out in the corner of the bed, Gon couldn’t help but frown. That action reminded him of their previous exchange, and realizing that he now had to follow up on his promise. The closer he was ready, the sooner they would have their scheduled talk. He sighed wistfully, and Killua finally got into the bed, slipping his lower body under the covers. He glanced knowingly at him, and Gon stifled a groan, wrapping arms around himself.

Might as well rip the (frog-patterned) band aid.

“Earlier, when you kissed me..” he squeezed his arm tightly, nails digging into his skin. “I remembered things. Things I haven’t really ever thought about?”

Killua frowned slightly, reaching over to remove Gon’s hands from his arms. He grimaced at the light red marks left on bronze skin. Gon didn’t even realize he left those until Killua addressed it. He felt guilty—he thought he was over doing that kind of thing involuntarily.

“What did you remember?”

Gon inhaled quietly, squeezing Killua’s hands slightly. He had to remember again, what he felt in that moment and why. While he focused, a shudder went through him, flashes of unwanted hands coursing over his body. The previous sick feeling was coming back, and Gon felt his insides tightening again.

“Killua, do you remember that one conversation we had years ago?” Gon started, now looking at him. “When you asked me If I ever dated anyone? And I said yes, with women who came to Whale Island?”

The other teen quipped a brow at that, but nodded. The confused look was soon replaced with realization, and he carefully rubbed his thumbs over his knuckles.

“I think I get it. What I did triggered you, and you got flashbacks. Am I correct?”

Gon hummed in acknowledgement, his eyebrows furrowing at the explanation. _Was that what was happening?_ It made sense; vague, womanly silhouettes fogged up his mind, while they were touching and saying inappropriate things one should never unprovoked, especially towards a child. He couldn’t place faces or names for either of them, since he mind seemed to block out any details of the sort. He wasn’t sure if he _did_ remember any of their names, or even what they looked like, even if he tried to.

“Yeah. I think so.”

But it didn't explain why this was all happening _now._ They’ve been dating for a while now, and at this point, they both equally initiated contact, content and rewarding. It was a random reaction at a random point of his life.

“You never talked to anyone about what happened to you, didn’t you?” Killua asked rhetorically, because they both already knew the answer. “Years of repression are finally biting back. But Gon—”

He tailed his hands across his arms, fingers lightly tracing along Gon’s scar that circled around his right bicep. Gon held his breath, trying his best not to flinch. It wasn’t often Killua touched, or let alone acknowledged his scar. In reality, it bothered him more than it bothered Gon, since it reminded him of an event he’d rather forget.

“What happened to you wasn’t your fault. You were a _child_ ; one who was taken advantage of. Being groomed—that’s _never_ your fault, okay?”

Gon pressed his lips in a thin line at the claim. Before he realized, a stray tear dripped down his face, leading his cheek in a trail of glimmer. Hearing Killua actually describe his situation, hearing for the first time that he was, indeed, assaulted, was surreal. He always knew it wasn’t normal, but _he_ wasn’t exactly normal, either.

“Whatever you’re feeling—let yourself. Let yourself feel angry, or afraid, or helpless, because it’s the first step to recovering.”

Killua pulled his arms back, leaving back an empty feeling within Gon. His eyes were sorrowful, but they also showed a hint of hope. And Gon couldn’t stand to look at him, because he was the reason Killua felt like that. His misfortune had caused nothing more than pain to those he loved, and he hated himself for it.

“But—” Gon choked, more tears falling down his cheeks. “I don’t _want_ to be afraid, Killua. _Especially_ if it’s of you. You’ve been the light in the dark; you’re the one right thing within everything wrong.”

For the first time, Gon initiated the contact, letting himself get close to his boyfriend to entrap him in a hug. And Killua immediately hugged him back, hands rummaging through his spiked hair. It has felt so good—to receive physical touch with the intent of comfort and love. Especially in a romantic sense, that was _always_ different from platonic or familial touching.

He felt the tips of Killua’s grown out fingernails gently trace his back, the other hand still in his hair. Gon wrapped his legs around his waist, while his arms were around his neck.

“I don’t think you’re actually afraid of _me_ ,” Killua murmured, his nails dancing across his clothed back. “It’s the physical contact. That’s how I used to feel back when we got together.”

Even though it wasn’t for the same reason, Killua understood what it was like being touched with ill-intent. He understood being skeptical of anyone touching him for any reason; whether flinching slightly, or subly moving away, they were trauma responses. It made sense to Gon, that he was not only empathetic, but also wise due to his own experiences. Experiences that stemmed from abuse, which always made Gon’s stomach churn.

“But you were always so patient with me. And eventually, I grew used to your affection, and now? It’s one of my favorite things in the world.”

After saying that, Killua’s eyes darkened as he glanced down at him. Gon could barely hide his knowing grin, already knowing what his glance intended.

“And if you ever quote me on this, I’ll murder you,” he threatened, having no bite. It was a bluff, and they both knew it.

Gon let himself a small giggle, kissing Killua's neck before resting his chin back on his shoulder. “ _Mm-hmm_.”

He could practically _feel_ Killua’s blush when his body temperature increased ever so slightly. A hum tickled his voice, exhaling through his nose as he relished in his touches.

“My point is that things will get easier. It won’t always be like this,” Killua said, sighing solemnly. “So if suddenly, you don’t want me to touch you, I won’t. Or if you still do, that’s cool, too. No matter how long it takes, I’ll be patient. Like you were, and still _are_ , with me.”

Gon nodded slowly, pulling away just enough that he could see him. He trailed his hands to his face, cradling his pale face. They grew warm under his touch, and Gon couldn’t help himself as he leaned up and planted a kiss on his nose.

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” He asked ardently, their foreheads touching.

Killua rolled his eyes, his hands now holding Gon’s waist. They felt warm; their touch proving loving affirmations of safety.

“Nothing. Except just simply being,” he answered honestly. “But I ask myself that same question everyday. I sometimes still think you’re too good to be true. Like I’m a part of this elusive, yet awing dream.”

Gon pouted, squishing his cheeks together and began to decorate his face with fluttery kisses, not giving Killua any chances for rebuttals. Yet still Killua let him kiss him, sighing softly.

“Mm-mm,” he shook his head, planting another chaste kiss to his lips. “Don’t think like that. This is very much real, and you deserve only wonderful things.”

Killua groaned quietly and finally took an opening to kiss him back, this time more tenderly and longer. Gon sighed into the kiss, barely taking the opportunity to enjoy it as Killua already pulled back. He wouldn’t help but whine quietly at the lack of contact.

“So do you, dummy,” he chided, gently headbutting him. “I love you. I know I don’t say it often, but I really do, Gon. You are my light.”

His heartbeat increased at his sudden declaration, and for the first time today, his eyes welled with tears of joy. He tightened his grip on Killua and nearly crashed him in another kiss. It was more rough, their teeth clanking as they moved their mouths, but it was overall pleasant—sending butterflies in his stomach.

He slid a hand into his soft, messy hair, fingers threading through his white locks. It smelled vaguely of raspberries and vanilla, and it was a scent he grew to love. Any unpleasant memories that nipped at his thoughts completely dispersed, replaced with only pleasant ones.

“I love you,” he murmured against his lips, which were bruised in red. “I love you so much, Killua. You’re my one and only; my moon and stars; my ocean and sky.”

Killua snorted, trying to stifle it by pecking his lips. “ _God_ , that’s so fucking gay.”

Gon couldn’t help but laugh, his head feeling a thousand lighter than before. He noticed how Killua’s cheeks were blooming in red, with a faint smile lingering.

“But you started it, _Ki-llu-ah_!” Gon stuck out his tongue. “So what would that make _you_?”

He scowled, flicking his temple instead of refuting. Not taking the bait, Gon pinched his cheek, pulling it outward slightly.

“You’re not _denying_ anything,” he sang out, only for his taunting to be cut short by another kiss.

“Fine.” Another kiss. “I’m a huge, flaming homosexual who’s in love with Gon Freecss.”

He kissed him one last time before flashing him a sarcastic grin, their faces merely inches apart. “That good enough for you?”

Gon hummed, arms hanging over Killua’s shoulders like wet clothes on a rack. “Heh, you’re _in love_ with me..”

Killua’s fury light dimmed down, and adoration overtook him. He smiled softly, rubbing their noses together.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Mm, good. Because I’m also crazy in love with you.”

He looked at him like _he_ was crazy, but there was also mirth behind his crystal blue eyes. Gon pulled him in for another kiss, murmuring _I love yous_ in between until they ran out of breath.

What Gon said was true. It was always true; years ago when they were kids, now, when they would soon be adults, and even in twenty years from now. They would live together in a rural home, surrounded by dark trees like the ones from their childhood. They would argue on what color to paint their bedroom, only to settle on their favorite colors. They would take in sick and injured animals, due to Gon’s soliciting, but always set them free once they were healed. Killua would have an entire cabinet dedicated to his favorite snacks, and one of Gon’s, simply because they reminded Killua of him. He would always be in love with Killua Zoldyck, for the years to come.

And their traumatic past could be exactly what it was—in the past. No more pain, wars, or encounterments of creepy, predatory adults who touched or hurt children in means of their own pleasure. What lies ahead would be nothing but love and growth, with their treasured friends and family by their side.

Gon Freecss was currently surrounded by good people, all whom he loved, as they did him. And even if that weren’t the case, he knew he’d always have Killua, to support and help him grow. To help him process and heal. To help him continue to love and receive that same love. And he knew then, he would be okay. He would be safe.

**Author's Note:**

> omg it's almost valentine's day :o !! happy early v-day, take this mixture of angsty(not rlly) + fluffy killugon fic as a gift <3 as a treat


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